It’s storytime, y’all. I need to share my shame.
Aaron took a half day at work so we could run errands today. He brought me boxes so I could get my apartment packed up (moving!) and we wanted to go tour some apartments for him. Well as we were galavanting around town, I decided I should go ahead and close out my bank account since I’m going to Pensacola tomorrow. That way I can open a new account there.
So we went to Wells Fargo. That’s right. I’m straight up calling them out. I was at WELLS FARGO errbody.
We waited patiently and then a seemingly nice banker lady called me back.
She was all “Why do you want to close your account?” So I told her I was moving. Then she started the whole “I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t try to guilt you into staying…we’ve had such a long relationship…don’t just throw those five years down the drain…what did we do wrong?…yadda yadda yadda.” It was like I was breaking up with her. It’s not you. It’s me.
So I told her I also wasn’t too happy a couple months ago when they started taking money from my account because I wasn’t getting enough direct deposits each month. Hello! I am a college student. I didn’t have a job. And guess what. I don’t get paid scholarship money over school breaks. That’s why I had a FREE student checking account. (I guess something got screwed up when they switched from Wachovia, but still. They took my money.)
Anyways. I couldn’t close out my account because I had forgotten I used my card yesterday for fro-yo and books from Goodwill so there were some outstanding charges.
But as Banker Lady is looking at my account she decides to mention a few charges that look “suspicious” (in my best interest of course. She was highly concerned about my credit card security).
Banker Lady: Umm I’m seeing a lot of charges for Chill (fro-yo place). Like A LOT.
Me: Yeah. I went there yesterday.
Banker: I mean like ever other day. Do you eat Chill THAT MUCH?!
Me: Yeah. I guess so. *glance at boyfriend sitting next to me with shame face/try not to burst out laughing face.
Banker: Well it’s a lot. Is that NORMAL for you? *shock face*
Me: *nods *evil eye
And that is for real an actual transcription. I know I usually lie and say conversations like this were real when they really weren’t, but that one actually happened. No lie.
Here is my “between the lines” retelling of this conversation.
Me: I want to close my account because I don’t like your banking practices.
Banker Lady: Well I don’t like you, so I’m going to pretend to be worried about your personal security while I call you a fatty in front of your boyfriend.
I mean seriously. You think someone stole my credit card so they could charge $4 here and there at Chill? And then stop by the Goodwill and the post office? Lucky me! My identity thief was only using my card to cover up their secret addiction to Nawlin’s Praline fro-yo and fine literature. Forget designer handbags or car payments. They want some of that $4 frozen deliciousness 3 times a week.
I guess I did lose my card last week, so I’m not really one to be talking. I feel like I need to confess my sins now. I treated Aaron to fro-yo on Sunday. Then on Tuesday I was packing up my apartment all day and wanted a treat. So I went by myself. That is all recently.
If I’m completely honest it got a little crazy a few months ago when I was working at the hospital for my internship. My supervisor and I usually worked through lunch so we could get off early (before 2), so I was starving on the drive home…and guess what’s right on the way back to my apartment. I may or may not have eaten fro-yo for lunch like 3 times a week one week. But then I started packing snacks and stuff. I repented. I changed!
Anyway. Aaron and I high-tailed it out of there and burst out laughing in the car.
That’s my story.