Dear Old People: Quit being mean to me. You are at a rehab facility to get therapy so you can get better and go home. Speech therapy is more important than Walker Texas Ranger.
Dear WGN: Really? Matlock. Heat of the Night. Walker Texas Ranger. With that lineup how on earth do you expect me to get any of my patients to come to therapy. I can’t compete with these geriatric hotties.
Dear Cold Weather: I like you. Just quit frosting up my windows in the morning before I go to work.
Dear Neighbor Family Across the Street: Yes you did see me going out of my way to step on crunchy leaves as I was on my way to the mailbox. I know you were jealous. Just go for it.
Dear Guy in this Video: I’m calling the police. You have obviously been peeking in my windows and stealing my sweet dance moves.
Dear Hobby Lobby: Sorry about the glitter storm I created in the Christmas decorations section. Some garland was tangled and I really needed to look at it. I would try to lie and say it wasn’t me, but it’s pretty obvious when you are the person responsible for a glitter storm. You carry that mark with you for the rest of your life. For real. The checkout lady had to dust off the counter when I left.
Dear Harry Potter World and Disney World: It’s ON this weekend. P.S. I know it’s really Islands of Adventure and that one section is The Wizarding World of Harry Potter, but I don’t care. It’s Harry Potter World.
Dear Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 2 Premiere: I’m sorry. I should have been there for you. I know I made fun of your last movie something awful, but for old times sake I should have tried to go to the midnight premiere. I mean I’ve been there for every other movie. Harry Potter World is just more important though.